Heavy 

 Hello people, I’m still trying to come out of this funky illness. I have faith that things will get better. I try every single day to feel better. With God by myside all things are possible. I leave you with this quote from Ranata Suzuki so you can have some insight of how I’ve been feeling. Until next time. Peace & love. 

Where did my mojo go?

It’s been 3yrs since I last blogged and boy has it been one hell of a roller coaster. Who would have known so much could happen in just a few years. I don’t know where to begin to tell you what’s been going on this world of mine but I’ll just jump in. Majority of my time spent was with dealing with depression and my manic episodes. At first I didn’t know what was going on with me, I mean everything I had going for me was great. I moved into my first apartment, my friendships were going well, I was eating healthy, I was in school, I had an awesome career, I was attending the gym regularly, and I was meditating. With all of these good things I had going for me I felt something still was wrong, I didn’t feel right inside. I was sad and down all of the time. Most of my days were spent in the dark. I would come home from work or school and I would shut all of my blinds and close all the curtains in my apartment. Some days I would lay on the couch and just sleep for days. I had no energy, no motivations, and no inspiration. My mojo left me like a bad habit. After seeing a couple of doctors I was diagnosed with Bipolar and major depression disorder. The depression hit me very aggressively. So many trial runs with medications and they (the doctors) still have yet to find the right medication to make me better. All I want is to get back to the old me. I really really miss her. I absolutely would never wish this upon anyone. I’m still battling this evil depression. I have no reason whatsoever to be depressed but I can’t help it, I really can’t. As you can see it took me 3 whole years to finally gather enough strength to even write this blog. Right now I am at my grandmas house with my aunt, her 2 kids and 2 dogs. My brain is everywhere else but present. Even while writing I’m still thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. I wish I was home but then again I would place myself in the dark and binge a movie and be miserable but slightly satisfied at the same time. Well I’m done writing for today. I’m tired and don’t have the energy. Good day. 🙂

P.S. I will be back I promise and it won’t take me another 3 years.

 

Twenty Thirteen

Fall and winter had some of the roughest yet joyous moments I have endured after three previous months of blissfulness. The beginning of fall was entertaining and eventful. I went to a couple of concerts, I attended an event, and one of my good girlfriends came from Virginia to visit me. There were some birthday celebrations, along with a few out-of-town trips and extreme sight seeing. I visited new cities which had some damn delicious restaurants lol. There was also intellectual conversations and laughter with some great people. I met a few new people along my way too.

Weeks prior to winter approaching I wasn’t feeling like “my” normal self, my moods would be off-balance and I would alternate from happy, sad, mad, angry, anxious, irritated, restless, etc. At first I didn’t pay too much attention to it because I’ve been experiencing this since my youth. I just used to deal with it and proceed. However, this time around it was a little more excessive. The moods would change more rapidly, I wouldn’t be able to sleep well at night, and my heart would race along with my thoughts. This could not go on any longer I thought to myself, because I truly felt as though I was starting to slowly lose my sanity. So I decided to see a psychiatrist. How ironic? Uh I think not.

Sweet November came and I had met with a psychologist; she was pleasant and we had quite a few sessions. In December she referred me to a psychiatrist, she was fairly nice and definitely on point with what she was telling me about myself. I kind of already knew most of the things she stated, however she did have newer and eye-opening information. After a session with her she diagnosed me with PTSD (Post-traumatic Stress Disorder). Receiving that information had me in wonder, confusion, rejection, and disbelief. I mean I can see where she’s coming from but then again maybe I was/am in denial at the same time. She prescribed medication for me (Citalopram and Divalproex). I took them for a bit then stopped because they made me feel ill. I’m not too sure yet if I’ll start taking them again. We’ll see.

Tis’ the season! The holidays came and went! Now Lets back track to the month of November where we have Thanksgiving (yum). We had Thanksgiving at my parents house and I invited one of my girlfriends over and her two young boys. My girlfriend was and currently is going through a very difficult and trying time in her life. It was only right and natural for me to try to be there for her and her two boys. Thanksgiving was terrific! Her little boys played with my younger brother and I did her hair & make-up lol. We danced, listened to spanish music and ate until we had food babies! 🙂 we had a blast. Later on that night I went over my cousin’s house and spent time them.

Dear December how could you be so bittersweet!? The beginning of the month mainly had to deal with meetings and sessions with the docs. Shortly after was finals week. I passed the semester, go me! Then right in the middle of December is where bitterness was born. My heart was broken, like shattered. The situation in my eyes was disgracious, hurtful, devastating, humiliating, aching, and yet there are still so many words and emotions on how I feel about the situation that I’m not even going to express. Nonetheless did I die? No. But it was sad. In spite of all this I choose not to go into further detail about what the situation is. Maybe when I cross and burn that bridge but for right now somewhere deep within me it’s still robust and vigorous. Soon after, the next day rather; I found out my grandma was admitted to the hospital.

Christmas Eve I had an epiphany. So cliché? Whatever, I really did though. I awoke that morning feeling superb, energetic and full of life (was it a manic stage? Maybe) I decided to stop and let go of everything that I could physically, mentally, and emotionally let go of. As for the rest of the problems and worries AKA “Shit” weighing me down I prayed for the strength, energy, and guidance that I will need in order to fully let go.
Anywho, the result of waking up in such a great mood and feeling awesome ended with a nice hair cut from the salon, a few new outfits, and a laptop (hey it’s all about the healing process right?) lol 😉

Christmas day! I had a little late start due to some heavily holiday celebrating on Christmas eve, smh. I know. But it was fun though! I had made it to two houses some time after 6pm to drop off gifts and to see my loves. First stop was to my grandmas house, she was out of the hospital alive and well. I gave her her gift she blessed me and also said a prayer for me. There at my grandmas house I seen my little cousin and I gave her her gifts as well, she drew me a picture; she’s silly I love her. My second and final stop of the night was to my girlfriends house (the friend that I spent thanksgiving with). She cooked and invited me over to have Christmas dinner at her house, little did she know that I had a bundle of gifts for her two boys. I arrive and she was surprised, I mean I know she knew I was going to get them something but I don’t think she knew I was going to go a little “all out”. I also had a gift for her that she had no idea about whatsoever. She was shocked. The kids were super excited, thrilled, and elated as they opened their gifts. At that moment that’s all I wanted and probably needed. The ability of giving is powerful alone but when received by pureness and innocence, it’s priceless. To be able to witness others rejoice in your benevolence is a blessing, is a divine sanction, it is an act of GOD.

^
Between these two paragraphs is where sweetness murdered bitterness. =D

v

Twenty thirteen had its ups, downs, arounds, and back agains. It was one of the most unexpected event filled years. Idk why though. Now when I think about it every year is filled with unexpected events, good, bad, big, small, traumatic, or healing. These events are inevitable. So now instead of focusing on the things I don’t want or planning for a better year I’m just going to wait on it. Sit back, enjoy life more and watch it unfold right in front of me. Whatever events that are designed for me to go through that the universe needs me to experience for me to become who I’m destined to be. I will take it with open arms and embrace it. I will take it for what it’s worth and continue to proceed without any expectations in return. Everything I want and need will come in a form of its own reveling its own realm.

2014 Welcome.

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Here’s a little photo recap…

September

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Macallan Event

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A birthday event I attended for a no longer friend of mine. 🙂

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Alexis’ Birthday Dinner

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October

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My Ms. Heidi from VA!

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Manhattan, Brooklyn, Washington Heights,  & Jersey City

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SO DAMN DELICIOUS !!

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November, Back to NYC 

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My little cousins birthday party, my bff came through.

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Took the kids out to have some fun.

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Suanice’s Birthday get away, DC! 

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THE BIRTHDAY GIRL, WHO I LOVE!

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Thanksgiving!!

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My pasta salad.. ❤

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&& My potato salad ❤

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I made everything except the pork!! :/

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My Pud! My new Bf …She’s really great! XO

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DECEMBER 

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Dwights Birthday Dinner

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Sampan! Is a must go to!

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Spent time with this precious moments baby! ❤

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My Final painting for my Fine Arts class. …& I passed along with my other classes.

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Pre-Christmas lunch with my best girl!

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CHRISTMAS EVE! 

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CHRISTMAS DAY!! 

The boys ❤

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Her gift 🙂

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NEW YEARS DAY! 2014

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We became Aliens ..

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Then Frogs …

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Back to Aliens lol

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I hope after reading this blog you take something positive out of it and apply it to your life. We are all connected in some way, shape, or form. We just all have different stories.  

XO

M ❤

May, June, July, & August set me free

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Hello all! It’s journal time. And I actually just want to jump right into this story.

Thank you May, June, July, & August, for these months have been very great to me. Prior to these months I had lost myself. I was disconnected with family, friends, my mind, my body, my soul, my life, and most of all I was disconnected with myself. I was in a dark dark place and it consumed me for quite a while. Then unknowingly I slowly escaped from this negative aura that was holding my soul hostage. I tapped into my inner self and eased my way to reconnect what was lost. It was so difficult to come out of the deep depths that I was in. I was always so sure of myself and I felt that since I’ve been strong all my life that it was impossible for me to crumble. Clearly I was wrong, undeniably wrong.

May, June, July, & August I am grateful, I am grateful for your days, nights, and your perfect timing. In these months I’ve experienced what I call pure bliss! I regained what I didn’t have and obtained what I always wanted. My happiness was found along with the love I never expressed.

I have everlastingly been a spiritual being, and I know for a fact that I had to silence my mind, body, & soul in order to get in-tuned with my true self. I am I yogi and I’m sure that meditation had a major part of this transformation, along with yoga. I also called out to the universe for help, for it to eliminate my negative while I eject positive waves in exchange.

In these months I’ve been loving love; when it comes to love I love hard and I love to the extreme. But I had always kept it hidden, now I’m embracing it. I now know that I don’t have to be ‘in love’ to know love. I’ve found that I don’t need others to love me for me to have love for them. I’ve learned how to care for others even if they don’t care for me. I’ve learn how to be kind, humble, & still. Before being able to distribute love, caress, kindness, humility, & stillness I first had to find within myself. Acknowledging and recognizing the potential you hold inside of yourself and manifesting that into something phenomenal will not only set you free but set your soul on fire.

So again I want to give thanks to May, June, July, & August. You helped me attain my sanity, you brought me closer to myself more than I ever was before.

Below are words, quotes, and photos of how I’m feeling, how I felt, and how I want to continue to feel. Also I incorporated some inspiring sayings so that if you are lost you can find some light in them.

Love you all

M

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Sum of 2 weeks

Well hello! Its been a couple of weeks since I last blogged, & um although I’ve had some pleasant & unexpected plans; it was uneventful. For most of last week I was either at work, the gym, or at a yoga/meditation session. And despite how boring it may sound I actually like this schedule. As most of my weeks have become of this repetitiousness. However, these past two weekends have been interesting & fun! Not like I did anything drastic now lol just kind of spent time with some friends & family & of course myself! lol 🙂

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Pool party last Saturday was too much fun. Good friends, lots of laughs, & celebrating life! Happy birthday Jamar Crawford! Thank you for the invitation to your celebration! ….. (I should cc this to your sister) lol 8-10-13

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Would you say I was being SUCH a hopeless romantic these couple of weeks?!! Lol

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I got the chance to hangout with this precious little guy! He is so handsome & such a pleasant baby! I love it! I also had the chance to hangout with some of my family, which we all don’t do to often but should be doing more often, ya know?
I had a good time with them, talking, listening, learning, & just loving. I love them, I love them all.

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&&& as you can see I managed to get some selfies in! 😁😁😊☺😉

-Last 2 weeks

Xoxo
M